It was the damnedest thing
He didn't see it coming
It got in through his head
And came out in his plumbing 
A minuscular speck 
A shortime neglected
He didn't feel a thing
It came on unexpected

It was very sad
The people gnashed their teeth
Somebody shed a tear
Somebody gave a speech
And they all agreed
That they would dearly miss him
And if he'd just come back
They'd all hug and kiss him

Then they tipped their hats
And drank a final toast
And made the sign of god
Son father holy ghost
They went their merry ways
And lived their many lives
With their mister masters
And their missus wives

The day was very gray
Even the sky was blue
Somebody gave a speech
Bout someone he once knew
Then they tipped the help
Out into the night
And the last one left
Turned out all the lights
They went their merry ways
And lived their many lives
With their missus masters
And their mister wives



You are old Father Weasel, the young man said
And what's left of your hair has gone white
And yet you incessantly play with yourself
Do you think at your age it is right?

In my youth, Father Weasel replied to the boy
I worried I might lose my sight
But now that I don't really see very good
I do it near most every night

You are old said the youth, as I mentioned before
And have grown most unusually fat
And yet you're continually stuffing yourself
Pray what is the reason for that?

In my youth said the sage, as he shook his great tits
I did hundreds of sit ups a day
But now that I'm flaccid and quite nearly dead
I don't really care what I weigh

You are old said the boy, one would hazard a guess
That your bowels were as rigid as Luther
Yet you manage a shit near as often as me
Pray how do you manage to sooth her?

In my youth said the geezer, I yoga-ed each morn
And practiced my manual dexterity
And that and some grease and opposable thumbs
contribute to my regularity

You are old said the boy, as a blind man could see
And you're worth more in dirt than alive
Yet you're planning a trip to Tahiti next month
Do you think at your age you'll survive?

In my youth said the ancient, I scrimped and I saved
With an eye to the Lord and posterity
If you want what remains after whores and cocaine
Best fuck off or I'll leave it to charity



When the dog barks 
I know what he's saying
He's saying bad things
Timmy's in trouble
When the dog barks
Its almost like the phone rings
and I answer
and there's nobody there

When the dog speaks 
I hear what he's saying
He tells me to do things
Timmy's in trouble
When the dog speaks 
Mostly I ignore it 
He's just a dog after all
I know that

Sometimes I feed him scraps and bones
Sometimes I spray him with the hose
The garbage keeps him close to home
The water keeps him on his toes

When the dog barks
He says to do bad things 
He tells me to put things
Timmy's in trouble
When the dog speaks
I know he's just a dog
But sometimes I wonder
What if he weren't



I came upon some kind of dog
He was talking in some kind of code
In a language nobody knowed
And this he told me

Im going down to Yazgurs Mall
There's a bell bottom blow out at Filenes
With free green tambourines 
At selected locations

We are starbucks
We are golden arches
And we've got to get ourselves
Back to the olive garden

By the time we got to walmart
We were half a million strong
And everywhere a bong and a comfort station
And I dreamed I saw a bomber death whopper
dollar menu in the sky
and it came with curley fries
And a libation

We are starbucks
(Billions . .. served)
We are golden arches
Caught in the devils bargain
And we've got to get ourselves
Back to the olive garden



 Waited ten minutes, for a half hour
And got a table in the corner near the kitchen
by the men's room in the back

The apostle Chad, quite a fine actor
Gave us linen and patchouli 
Read a chalkboard
Bread and water for a snack

Most excellent Tod, a magnificent poet
Taking orders from the peasants
Off the books
While father paid his way thru school

He'd rather reign in Hell
Than serve lasagna
And even when he spilled the marinara
on my sweater he was cool

The soup was cold
The loaf was moldy
The hostess Magdalene came by
and told us not to worry
everything was fine

The fish was foul
they barely cooked it
I tried to send it back
But Tod and Chad
were in the men's room
doing lines

Tod’s triumphant return
Announced the reckoning
Imagine how my face looked
when it turned out that
my Master was declined

I worked it off
By washing dishes
with some guy Jesus  
bussing tables
curing sausage
pouring water
into wine

It’ll rain in Hell
Before he takes a shower
with hair so
wholly funky
that the scent of 
his aroma
was divine


 I pray there be god

The god that lights the Milky Way
To separate the night from day
The god that made the heavens sing
Seraphim and everything

I pray there be god

The god that made the firmament
And all things thereto incident
Who gave to man the breath of life
And from his rib his goodly wife

I pray there be god

Jesus born of virgin bride
And by Pilate crucified
His spritz to make the leper whole
His blood to save my fucking soul

I pray there be god

That god might make the pit of hell
And all the demons therein dwell
Cloven hoof satanic choir
Horn and pitchfork lake of fire

I pray there be god

The god that might make the fire of hell
That you might burn there
I hope you burn there



Mr. Baby Jesus
Hangs above my bath
When I take my clothes off
He begins to laugh
Maybe its my pee pee
Maybe its my nose
Maybe somethings funny
Only god knows

Roly poly Buddha
There on my TV
When I change the channel
He's on jeopardy
Nirvana for two billion Alex
Who is satguru
He's with boddisatfa 
They're on channel two

Hare krishna baby
Sure been good to me
Imagine there's no kharma
Eb and ivory
If my yang is cloudy
Maybe it's my ying
Hare rama rama
lamalama dingdong ding

Mr. Baby Jesus
Watches with his eyes
When I take my pants down  
Mr Jesus sighs
Maybe its my ankles
Maybe it's my toes
Maybe someone's coming
God only knows



Roscoe Toomer, baby boomer
Had a brain, so went the rumor  
Couldn't tell, he rarely used it   
Just as well, he'd have abused it   
Working for the government  
And boozing on the weekend

Roscoe's brother, different mother  
Had a kid and then another  
He told Roscoe:  Look here brother 
Head to Moscow, under cover 
Meet with Boris Badenov
Do just what he tells you

The goose that laid the golden egg
It hisses boos and honks
Trotsky in the Bronx
Toomer, Roscoe, went to Moscow 
Stalin Lenin Putin Tse Mao  
Found the russian, got his orders   
No discussion, shekels quarters   
Hopped a plane to Hoboken 
And met with Mata Hari

Toomer, Mister  R. and sister  
Took a radio transister  
Cabled Philby with a floor plan
Called on Ethel with a tin can
Rob-bed Paul when Peter piped
And put it in a pumpkin

The goose that laid the golden egg
It hisses boos and honks
Trotsky in the Bronx


(Ed note: the verses at the end could be the chorus)

Someone's taken Albert’s brain
They filled it up with junk
They packed it and they pickled it
And put it in the trunk

Someone's taken Albert’s brain
They’re reading Albert's mind
They taken all the good ideas
And left the rest behind

Someone's taken Albert’s brain
They're driving Albert nuts
They've swapped his relativities 
For ifs and ands and buts

Someone's taken Albert’s brain
They've heading for the coast
Separated wheat from chafe
And made into into toast

Pardon me Ward
Is that the Massachusetts Turnpike?
Hey can you drive
They'll never take me alive

I can't afford
Another Chappaquiddick boo-boo
Future looks dim
You'd best be learning to swim