According to the National Enquirer, bloated chowderhead Al Gore was taking a well earned time out from his important mission of saving the world from WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE when he attempted to sexually assault the help. According to police documents, Gore was enjoying an “abdominal massage” at an upscale Portland hotel when the ungrateful bitch who was ministering to his needs refused him a happy ending - just as did the the US Supreme Court when it robbed Gore of the presidency in the wake of the 2000 election. Justifiably enraged, Gore attempted to force the masseuse to touch him where his bathing suit covered and later attempted to mount her, just as the male walrus mounts the female on our rapidly disappearing and precious polar ice caps.

One would think ManBearPig (whose marriage recently imploded under allegations that Gore had been having an extended affair with Elaine Benes, a character on the television show Seinfeld) would have learned his lesson serving under Bill Clinton, but evidently not: according to the story, the masseuse has saved as evidence the pair of pants she wore on the night of the incident, upon which Gore allegedly deposited his semen footprint as she attempted to flee the scene.

Evidently the appalling Ken Burns will this fall be releasing a rehash of his dreadful baseball documentary. Hopefully he’ll again feature plagiarist Doris Kearns Goodwin droning on interminably about her love affair with the Red Sox - Note to Doris Goodwin: Doris, no one cares, shut up, you suck - and tortured dwarf Bob Costas reminiscing about doomed golden boy Tony Conigliaro. The only more repulsive baseball entertainment I can imagine is a film of John Kruk and David Ortiz fucking.

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do hereby . . .  wheel former Exalted Cyclops in the Klu Klux Klan slash walking cadaver Robert Byrd into the Senate Building so he can drool and shit his diapers cast a meaningful and considered vote on health care legislation.

“I don’t know if you have heard that it is legislation for the future, not just about health care for America, but about a healthier America, where preventive care is not something that you have to pay a deductible for or out of pocket.  Prevention, prevention, prevention—it’s about diet, not diabetes,” says Nancy Pelosi, who eats ice cream for breakfast.

If Pelosi really wants to do something for the health of the nation, she should get the president to stop smoking.

“No one believes more firmly than Comrade Napoleon that all animals are equal. He would be only too happy to let you make your decisions for yourselves. But sometimes you might make the wrong decisions, comrades, and then where should we be?”

Here’s wishing that you all get what you deserve this holiday season.

There is nothing in the world like a persuasive speech to fuddle the mental apparatus and upset the convictions and debauch the emotions of an audience not practiced in the tricks and delusions of oratory.

Mark Twain

According the Daily Express (UK), British Children’s Secretary Girde Urloins Ed Balls yesterday announced an 800 million dollar plan to “put 20,000 problem families under 24-hour CCTV super-vision in their own homes.” The families will be monitored to ensure that the at-risk children attend school, go to bed on time, and wipe their asses properly. Okay, I made that last bit up, but not the first two bits: the UK government has announced a plan to install closed circuit video cameras in the homes of its citizens to make sure that they go to bed on time. You couldn’t make this shit up. Unless your name was Eric Blair, obviously. (That’s George Orwell for those of you scoring at home.) Normally I’d finish this up with some snark about how the UK’s become a hamster in a wheel third world socialist shithole, but things here are no better. Sooner rather than later we’re all going to be stooped over in the rice fields meeting the quota for a five year agricultural plan developed by some recent Harvard grad. Hopefully I’ll be dead by then and they can only use me for fertilizer.

Jean Parker Shepherd

July 26, 1921 – October 16, 1999

“You’ll shoot your eye out.”

“If she had lived, Mary Jo Kopechne (d. July 18, 1969) would be 62 years old. Through his tireless work as a legislator, Edward Kennedy would have brought comfort to her in her old age.”
– Charles Pierce, the Boston Globe, speaking truth to power