Deranged Bush Syndrome
February 27th, 2009
If she’s truly concerned about the poor trees Ms. Kaufman should do what I do: wipe her ass with that slattern Maureen Dowd’s column. Dowd, a hack writer who was diagnosed with Deranged Bush Syndrome after getting banged repeatedly by doddering sex addict Michael Douglas, now spends her days laughing at her own jokes and frantically masturbating with a Dick Cheney doll while slowly morphing into Helen Thomas.
For the record, I’ve tried using other bits of the Times, but outside the Sunday magazine none of it as soft and squishy as Dowd. Frank Rich’s column came close, but I was always worried that he’d slip me some tongue.
As you might, you know, know, Hillary Clinton has um, you know, parlayed her, you know, husband’s, um, jerking off on the, um, fat girl into, you know, a position in the um, Obamamessiah’s, you know, cabinet, which means, you know, that the, um, blind, um, unelected governor of um, New, you know, York, who got to be, um governor because the um, the last governor, um, had sex with, you know, prostitutes, gets to, you know, pick a new, you know, senator, is this a great, you know, country or um, what. We, the, you know, Weasels, as, you know, New York residents, would like to, you know, formally, um, endorse, Caroline, you know, Kennedy, for the, you know, position. Caroline is, you know, quite qualified to, um, be, you know, senator, and not just because, you know, she, um, edited a collection of, you know, poems, written by her, um, mother, called, um, the Best-Loved Poems of, you know, Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis. She has many, um, sterling, qualifications. For, you know, example, both, um, her father and her, you know, uncle were shot in their respective, um, heads, which fate, you know, Caroline has, um, so far managed to, um, avoid. Also, her brother John um John crashed his plane into the, you know, ocean, killing himself and his, you know, fiancee, although fortunately not, you know, Darryl Hannah, who, you know, played, um, a stripper in Dancing at the Blue Iguana, which stripping, you know, caused me to, um, you know, touch myself, which I had never, um, done during a Darryl Hannah movie before, except, you know, once during, you know, Splash. Also, one, um, Kennedy once, um, died by doing a, you know, Sonny Bono like header into a, um, an oak tree during, you know, a drunken, you know, skiing incident, and Sonny Bono’s, um, wife got to be, you know, senator, and he didn’t even, you know, jerk off on the fat girl, although he may have, you know, jerked off on, um, Cher, as um, I once did during, you know, Moonstruck and also Mask. Moreover, um, Caroline’s, you know, uncle Ted once got drunk and, you know, drove into a, you know, tidal pool and left the, um, passenger, some, you know, secretary or, you know, something called Bettie Jo Bradley or, you know, something, there to, um, die while he went, you know, back to his hotel room to, um, you know, sleep it off, and Teddy was, you know, a senator, and, um, since Caroline hasn’t, you know, murdered anyone or, you know, been shot in the head or anything, and has not yet, you know, tobogganed into any trees or shrubberies, and has not, you know, raped anyone on Easter, you know, Sunday, and has not, you know, had sex with the babysitter, that, you know, leaves her eminently, you know, qualified, to be a, you know, um, senator.
