According to the National Enquirer, bloated chowderhead Al Gore was taking a well earned time out from his important mission of saving the world from WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE when he attempted to sexually assault the help. According to police documents, Gore was enjoying an “abdominal massage” at an upscale Portland hotel when the ungrateful bitch who was ministering to his needs refused him a happy ending - just as did the the US Supreme Court when it robbed Gore of the presidency in the wake of the 2000 election. Justifiably enraged, Gore attempted to force the masseuse to touch him where his bathing suit covered and later attempted to mount her, just as the male walrus mounts the female on our rapidly disappearing and precious polar ice caps.

One would think ManBearPig (whose marriage recently imploded under allegations that Gore had been having an extended affair with Elaine Benes, a character on the television show Seinfeld) would have learned his lesson serving under Bill Clinton, but evidently not: according to the story, the masseuse has saved as evidence the pair of pants she wore on the night of the incident, upon which Gore allegedly deposited his semen footprint as she attempted to flee the scene.